wHat God GavE mE tOday ? |
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Saturday, September 30, 2006 DarknessWent to watch the Gospel of St Luke by Bruce Kuhn at Bangsar Actor's Studio with maylee, Kelly and kelvin... Then , we headed to Kei Tak Sik again ! Yah, our all time favourite ;) Only this time, a BLACKOUT ! We actually ate in the dark, since they served food in the dark too ! Siao. So me being me, couldn't resist the camera, took a shot at nonsense.
I'll Remember You A sorry wasn't good enough A song without me to rhyme Long forgotten promise I recall I made to you The candle flame dies in the wind It looks like its about to rain About to rain Spirals from your cigarette Your sweet cologne on my pillow Messages you left me still sing like some lullaby Pretty pictures on the wall Hopes in eyes will rise and fall Rise and fall And in the rain In summer days too When the willow tree weaves too Under the street light so bright I'll remember you everyday The plane leaves in an hour's time Hold me til our last goodbye Silence is the only sound that words can speak it thru I breathe the breath for one last time You be strong and so will I So will I And in the rain, in summer days too When the willow trees weave too Under the street lights, so bright I'll remember you, I'll remember you I'll remember you everyday
Friday, September 29, 2006 PassingIts almost a year since that strange text message came in. Where am I today, I don't even know. Trying so hard to figure out why all these are happening and why I have to constantly go through so much crap. Knowing him is a blessing, but I don't know it what he is today is going to make me happy anymore... Missing? I don't know if its something that I'd want to be feeling all the time. So much energy. So much time. So much emotion. And I get nothing out of it. At the same time, I can't help it. My greatest and most hardest thing to do, that is to trust people I gave such great effort into him. Now he turns around and tell me otherwise. Why don't I ever have a say in anything in this life I live? People leave whenever they want to. They stop talking to me whenever they feel like their bored of me. They stop talking to me whenever they feel that they've found a new muse somewhere else. Anyone ever asked me why or what? Not like they bothered. He proved otherwise. But all of a sudden he decides to become like the rest. Suddenly he becomes cold and insensitive. Suddenly he becomes scary. Not so caring anymore... its hurts a lot just to think of what he was before this. And the feeling, sucks BIG time. Lost him to something which I can't even describe. Lost him to the past. Lost him to ... All I ever wanted was someone to always be there for me. Always laugh together and just be there. Not asking for the world. In return I get remarks saying that I'm too emotional and too sensitive. I left those two negatives long time ago. Would you want a girl who is SO strong that you don't feel like a guy anymore when you're wih her? I just don't understand. Really don't understand. *sighs* I miss those days when I look forward to reading your messages. I miss those days when I look forward to coming home to spend time talking to nonsense. How long more do I have to be like this? Why you abandoned me? Why? What did I ever do to deserve all these... All I did was to offer kindness and comfort.. but in return I get hurt.. I just want you to continue to be my closest.. To be someone I could still depend on... You asked me to learn to depend on you... But its as if you've disappeared.. I look forward to everyday, like I used to, to talk to you.. to text you and get a 'the you I used to know' reply... I hardly get anymore.. sometimes, you don't even respond.. Everday after work, I wish so much to see you... Like you used to come see me after work few months back... Passing by KL Sentral, Pasar Seni and even Dang Wangi... Feels like you were there..somewhere... Every Friday, I only want to talk to you...call you and either laugh or just talk plain nonsense.. even if you're talking drunk, I don't mind... I remember telling you, the best moments were those moments of conversation when you're not as sober... It was always good and comforting to hear you laugh... I miss it so much... All I can only ask why... cos only you can answer... All I can only wish. Wishing so much for things to be normal again. Being silly? Maybe. I hate this life so much. Don't know what to look forward to everyday. Dreams almost shattered...still hoping for it to come through...all I could only hope... Yeah, my dream to be a writer...when will it come... when... Don't leave me behind... :(
Monday, September 25, 2006 She Misses*sighs* She misses him so much. Wish she could turn back time. Or land in Tangjung Rambutan. She thinks she would be happy being insane, losing her mind. Least she'd stop thinking. The gastric is becoming annoying. Almost troublesome. He used to come to her aid. Not physically but mentally. She really misses all those. A whole lot. All she could only wish. To see him. To go out with him. To be with him. To get more text replies more often, like she used to have. To listen to him say good morning or good night. To listen to him laugh and pour non stop stories. She misses. So much of it. So much. He meant a world.
Down Under The Sea Somewhere at SS2. I bring you there if you want to go ;)
Long Lost Today I bumped into a guy which I knew quite a while ago. He didn't recognize me. Not the first time I bumped into him at the train stations. In year 2002, when I was in TARC doing my pre-u studies, I took volleyball as curricular activities. Some compulsory class that we all had to choose from the many other activities they had. That was where I first met this guy. As weird as it got, I bumped into him a year later. At SIB. Sidang Injil Borneo. At an event called RUSH. Ee Lyne brouhgt me there. This guy and his friend who was also at volleyball class came over and said Hi. And I thought they looked familiar. They reminded me of where they met me all. Ahhh.. I remembered. Its even weirder that I bumped into his pictures on smash'pOp's site. How weird can the world get? I think its the same person. Cos , takkan got two person that looks exactly the same and has the exact name ! The world will be filled with weirdos. Dunno, somehow, I sorta miss that personality that I once met a long long time ago. But he doesn't remember me anymore... Hm... One thing I can tell you, the world IS very SMALL !
1242 Didn't want to go to church this weekend, but decided in the end to go cos the stomach felt a bit better. Was glad I got the usual tease from him earlier in the day, tho he disappeared half way.. Some confession to make; I sent a wrong message to him. The message wasn't supposed ot be sent to him. Fingers and my dazed self caused me to press the wrong button. So happened that Eric's name was on the same position as his. Too to retrieve the message. Sue Motorola for that. In the end I tried to make a cover. But he didn't reply to it. I wasn't saying anything bad about him, but only admiring and appreciating the fact that he was such a different being compared to the many I've known and grew up with. He would deserve the 'One in a million' kind of person. Seriously. And for he is, I appreciate him for what he is. And for that, I cherish him so much. (If you ever bump into this, I'm sorry... it was too complicated for me to explain it through sms, that's why I panicked in the night. Called and you didn't pick up, which made me feel even worse. Sighs. I'm sorry.) He used to be so patient and never gets angry at anything. Suddenly, he seemed to scary almost unfriendly... When I don't reply his messages in less than 10 minutes, he'd call. Now, if I don't reply for a day he wouldn't even text to find out if I'm ouhkay. He never gets angry so fast. I used to love the cheerful him. Knowing that he was hiding something back then, but he managed to fool and cheer me anyway with his bubbly self. And I'm glad in every way. He said I was too emotional and too sensitive. Only towards him. I could never tell if he was angry or whether he was sad inside. He hides it so well. So well. He would be the most unpredictable being I've ever met. That's why I worry so much for him. Don't what he's get into in the next minute or second. My dear, I've never cried for someone in long long while. Wish you'd appreacite me more. Really wish you would. Its always like this. When I trust someone so much, surely there will be some self pity and paranoia that's instilled together with me. Its when you want to learn to depend on someone. And you were the one that said that I should learn to depend on you. And you were the one that say that if one day I felt that no one cares anymore, I could try you. See? So that's when I come in, just giving guys a bit of space to boost their ego in a good way, to feel that the girl is not stronger than them, so they'd have a chance to take care of her instead of her taking care of him. You think I'm really that helpless?? Yes. At times. If you knew me long enough, you'd know, that I'm one of the most stubborn and strong willed and strong at heart person. Who needs no guys help to survive. Cos they've all proven me wrong. But you didn't. Which is why I held on so tight. You proved to me that you different. So many has left me, some has even left the world. You think I enjoy living this life? Think twice... I appreciate you as much the million gazzilion stars above. Like you once said to me. What can I say, besides the fact that 'I miss you loads'. Yup, the you that I knew earlier this year. The you I knew early last year. Cause , you're so not you anymore... slowly changing into a monster that I fear so much... If God gave me a wish, I would wish that you'd be happy again. And my tears roll down every time I think of the unhappy you. Til I see you again. :(
Saturday, September 23, 2006 *sighs*What a miserable day... Went for lunch with stacia and jc. Lunch was just lunch I guess? And now its raining... some people ffk me. More like my whole life people ffk me. I think they can qualify to be a pilot in the future if Malaysia didn't have enough pilots to fly the airlines. Bah. Happy that I had a few minutes of chat with him last night. Didn't say much as my nostrils were clogged up by mucus from crying too much. How am I going to ever find joy in work... When will I ever find that something that I yearn to do and so much passion for. It just really boggles my mind. How some people get the opportunity but don't appreciate it when I'm longing for that tiny little hope to do what I really want to do...Dang. I didn't even eat last night. Too disappointed. Too confused. Lying on my bed, crying from 11pm. He asked if I was having flu.. whut lar you dear... I was sick last week, still having some flam left behind... In the end I had to admit I was crying...blergh... But no matter how sad I am, he never fails to cheer me up. Doesn't have to make any silly jokes, or suggest anything.. just that simple goodnight makes my day... That's why I appreciate you so much. If only you knew. *sighs* Been missing him so much. But I could only jot some down here. Better to tell God than to talk to wall I guess? How I wish you never became the you you are today... how I wish... Long to see you smile again.. *** Feeling a bit glad. Cos he texted. Hence the weird missing feeling. *huggs*
Wednesday, September 20, 2006 ROTTW : WHAT?For those of you who does not know what ROTTW is, its a music magazine. Yeah, a local one. I was sent to Shah Alam to cover ROTTW's anniversary celebration with Futsal games and Indie, grunge and punk rock playing, deep in the lost industrial area, where there were so manymany roundabouts ! Xian went dizzy. Haha, padan muka ! Play camera in the car some more ! That place is just a mad place ! One roundabout leads to another and another and another and another ! Suddenly wernjun becomes so familiar with Shah Alam, hah ! So getting lost was not so bad after all. Thanks Jem for driving us ! Made a stop at Sg. Wang to wait til Jem finished his class then to come pick us up to head to Shah Alam.
Finally reached at about 2.45pm. Yah. I got a shock. But an anticipated shock. Cos I somehow drew a similar scenario. Yep. I was the only Chinese gurl. Walking around with my green bag and a camera. Feeling so so sesat.
Walking up and down the Futsal venue compounds. All eyes staring at me. Wondering, what in the world is this Cina gurl walking around with a camera. I actually got stopped at the entrance. Music was so LOUD that I had to scream / yell to tell them I was STAFF. In the end I had to wear the ROTTW Crew tag, giving me permission to run aorund the place with more eyes staring at me. Ouh well I have to do what I was sent there to. Take pictures, cover the event and interview several bands ;) Which I had plenty of pleasure in doing so. Once again, wernjun and her taktaumalu skills went to approach several bands. I am happy & glad that I came from a Kebangsaan School ! I remember, half way asking one of the bands to identify themselves individually, this guy bluntly asked 'you melayu ke?!' And I stupidly answered back, 'I tak melayu' Yarh ! all my tenses gone ! Sure la, cute guy talking to you ! hehe.. With my tann I got from Langkawi, I think I can pass as melayu la.. haish :p Somehow, I felt happy. Doing what I've always wanted to do. Run around like 'oranggiler', sweating and asking people loads of questions. What Xian kept saying, 'kepoh' ! Eh, I study four years to get that license to do so ! hehe ;) So ended out Shah Alam adventure when we had to make a move to rush back for Alvin's birthday party. My Favourite band of all :
Feeling contented. She smiles. *** Wish you were there dear. Heh. You'd probably enjoy the noise much more than I did. Wish you'd talk to me again. Wish you would.
Looking You said you were not angry anymore, but you're still not replying my messages. A week ago, you often texted and called. Suddenly over the misunderstanding you became mad at me. I admit, I was wrong. But I could only say sorry... what else you want me to do... Sometimes I really wish things never changed and you're still the you that I once knew. Now, its like you're going through the cycle all over again... But worse. Cos you're sinking deeper. What did I ever do in life til I have to beg for someone to care and love me? I would never be able to find someone like you, that I definitely know. Did so much for you. All I want in return is for you to be that caring person you were before. I don't ask to see you everyday, tho I wish it would come thru. I enjoy so much talking to you, each time you call me. For the whole of last two weeks, I was so happy. Cos you called almost ever night. Just that simple 'goodnite' makes my day. Just that simple laugh of yours makes my day. But why do you wish to disappear now? When I need you the most... I just really hope you'd appear again... Have dinner with me again... Sit the lrt back home with me again... Carry my stuff again... Fight to pay for me again... Send me home again... So much more I miss... but most of all... *** missyousomuchdear. :(
Tuesday, September 19, 2006 Good Morning Malaysia !Since day one I started work here, there would be a few things that are what irritating to me. Yes. I mean what I say. So I wake up at about 715 every morning. Wash up dress up drink up my carrot juice and head off to work. First, I will have to take the Rapid KL that arrives at approximately 8am. A few seconds late, DIE. Second, I will have to puchase my LRT ticket from the counter since I couldn't make it to buy the monthly pass. So, line up with the rest of the world to get my ticket to Bangsar. Third, CRAMP and CROWD together with the whole world at the train platforms. Even trying to get a space to stand would be a miracle ! Fourth, endure the squishing and squeezing and pushing ! Just to get into the train. Don't even dream of getting a seat, cos even trying to get a tiny square feet to stand and make sure your toes don't get stepped on would be a great chanllenge ! Fifth, either stand all the way to Bangsar, or get to sit half way. Sixth, get off the train at the station. Hope that there isn't a long long cab line that awaits you at the bottom of the train railway. Seventh, get onto a cab and tell the guy where you want to go. Eighth ! The ultimate climax. GET YELLED AT BY THE CAB DRIVER. Yup. I get that every morning. Its like as though you're cursed with Chinese cab drivers. You know when some of them get into freak accidents, you feel like saying,'To hell with them !' Yah. That's about how mad I feel every morning ! I once was telling my friend how Chinese cab drivers are insane and have permanent PMS ! And how indian cab drivers are always talking like they're suffering from a hangover and would never hesitate to drop you by the road side out of no where. So i told them, the conclusion, Malay cab drivers are the best ! They've got no PMS. Not drunk. And won't dump you by the road side. One even lectured me on why I didn't bring an umbrella so I could cover myself when it rains. Today, minutes after I've just clocked-in. I'm ranting. Yup. Why? Because, I ended up speaking Malay to a Chinese elderly uncle cab driver. And he speaking broken Malay which I tollay cannot understand. In total of 7 days at work, I got yelled at 6 times. Yup. Literally. How hard is it to understand Jalan Ara? Bangsar Village? In the end the uncle said Jalan Alor. ? ? ? ? GOSH. I think I'm going to die of high-blood-pressure ! What a good greeting you get in Malaysia? Don't even ask me why Malaysians are the way they are. *pft
Sunday, September 17, 2006 Shanghai 10With Christina.
The Egg Tart rocked !
Belated Jazz Fest A shot at it. Tho the pictures don't look good, but it keeps the memories just fine.
Thursday, September 07, 2006 My Favourite RandomOn Wednesday, Went online - my favourite hobby la kan? Hehe. Saw James. Talked nonsense for a while. Really talk nonsense la. Deciding on what time and how to get to supper with him and Setapak youth. No transport ma. Was wodnering why he was going to take lrt. Then, found out about his Petaling Street quest ! What he called it, cck ?! I went , huh?? What in the world if cck?? 'CheeCheongKai' la.. *faints* Guys and their innovative inventions of words ! Since I had nothing better to do, requested to follow along with him and Hynn. Yipee ! I get to go out again , hehe. Our destination :
My camera too lousy already... can only see blobs of lights... But yeah, that was Petaling Street at night ! Let me see, I wasled pass the WanTan Mee shop, the Asam Laksa shop, the SiewPao shop, the Air Mata Kucing shop, the 'DaiChao' shop and so much more ! But I only got to buy myself two SiewPao.. hehe. Yummylicious though ! Biggest siew pao I've ever seen ! So i only managed to eat one ;p *** Today, Saw Kelvin online. Then just belasah say want to go IKEA ! And we went ! Haha ;p Bought some nonsense. Me, MayLee and Kelvin. Then MayMay came along too ;) Aha, I bought my favourite Currypuff , teehee ! So happened, when I was there, he texted. Thought I won't hear from him for another day :( But was so happy to find out that he was at The Curve ! Then , skippity hop to The Curve. Saw him. Red shirt and his farnee silver neck-tie. Really reminded me of when I used to stare at a distance last time before I got to know him. Always looked forward to see him in that red shirt everyday at the office. After a long long time, haven't seen him in any other colour other than black, darkblue and white. Hehe, I miss him in the redshirt with a tie. Long long time since the last I saw him with a neck-tie ;) After, walked back to IKANO to meet up again with the rest. Ouh, randomness :P
"Head Over Feet" I had no choice but to hear you You stated your case time and again I thought about it You treat me like I'm a princess I'm not used to liking that You ask how my day was You've already won me over in spite of me And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are I couldn't help it It's all your fault Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole You're so much braver than I gave you credit for That's not lip service You've already won me over in spite of me And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are I couldn't help it It's all your fault You are the bearer of unconditional things You held your breath and the door for me Thanks for your patience You're the best listener that I've ever met You're my best friend Best friend with benefits What took me so long I've never felt this healthy before I've never wanted something rational I am aware now I am aware now You've already won me over in spite of me And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are I couldn't help it It's all your fault
Wednesday, September 06, 2006 Salsa FunThe joys of homemade Salsa Sauce ;)
:( Feeling so insulted.. All I did was pick up the phone, dialed the number, listen to his rambles. Just wanted to know and make sure that he'd reach home safely.. In the end, kena insulted. Some more ask me to shutup. Don't what's with me, but ever since I got scolded by this particular aunty, saying that scolding a friend shutup is rude and is very mean as by saying so, its almost as good as not giving a chance to that friend of yours to express himself or herself. Like saying, you have no right to talk ! Yarh.. that was how I felt just now.. I was just trying to explain.. in th end said , shutup... :( Thing with me, I can never stand people scolding me, even when I was in primary school, when teachers scold me, I would end up crying... Terrified I guess.. I rememebr once being scolded by one of the editors that edited my work.. It wasn't my fault, but what can I do.. Really felt like crying... but takkan wanna cry in front of him.. so memalukan right.. Walked out to the lifts, took a lift downstairs, made a turn and came back up. The office was cold and gloomy that day, since there were only 5 of us, as it was a Sunday.. In the end, I saw one of my favourite photographers, spoke to him for a while, since he asked when I was leaving... He just laughed my story off.. well he made me happy again.. least I didn't end up crying.. I don't know whether to be glad of not since I found out what he was thinking of yesterday... *sighs* If only I wasn't so shy, I didn't have to pretend to play with my phone.. *** If you're reading this.. I'm sorry ... :(
Tuesday, September 05, 2006 First TimeToday was just plain lazing around with MayLee. Had breakfast with her and Kelly. Ish.. who larh, miss callme at 2am, when I asked who it was, they fella never reply. Make me wonder for an hour who in the world is it. In the end, I found out that he also haven't slept yet. Ah, got kawan to chat with =D Which resulted to a bit a of tearing. Happy tears that is. *sighs* Finally slept off at 5am. Siaoness. But I appreciate the time spent with him. Later in the day went out with MayLee to Jusco. For fun. Haha. Walked and walked and walked. Bought some nonsense. She bought Starbucks. And we headed home. Half way he texted. And nonsensed for a while with him. *smiles* Saw him today ! Don't know, somehow, despite the gladness I had in within, there were some weird sadness aside it. He didn't look happy. But I enjoyed time spent. First time in my life I saw him eat ! Hehe. 'Ey dear, glad I saw you today ! ;)' La dee da. Kay lar.. I shall sleep.. wJ needs sleep... Nitey !
Sunday, September 03, 2006 Korean CraveHeehee :) Both craving for Korean toufoo soup ! So we landed ourselves at the Ampang point area where the paradise of Korean restaurants were situated. Nyum nyum chomp chomp *grins*
And we makan-ed so much ! *burrrp*
Saturday, September 02, 2006 Orange SkiesThe sky hasn't been so clear in ages ! So rain did justice to its clearness today. So I remember it raining when I terbangun this morning I think at 5am .. So cold, but nice. The feeling of you-don't-want-to-get-up kind. Waiting for the sunny pictures to be sent over. While doing that, here's some evening ones. Nothing better than standing in awe, watching the clouds disappear as the sun sets.
*** Today's been sweet. Though I ffk-ed the company that I was supposed to be working at, but no regrets. In the end I decided on my own. Of course the usual whining and complaining and making alot of fuss. At the end of the day, the decision lies in my messy brains. Til he also gave up. I know.. I am capable.. sometimes, I just need a hand in sorting out my tangled brains... Slept off at 1230am,surprisingly. But woke up in the middle of the night. Yeah, heard the rain. So cold, so cold. But so comfy. Snuggles. Went back to sleep though, and woke up to JamieCullum. Went out for my favourite 'NasiLemak' with bro and mom. Then came back, don't know why, there was peace in within, hehe. Cos I didn't go ahead with the job. Also cos I knew he cared. Called christina to tell her the goodnews and laughed for a while. Listen to her ask me if the batteries can last for the sonyericsson, since I was a former user. Then, went to the computer til lunch. Skies were great today ! So blue, so clear and the clouds were just so puffy ! Like cotton candy ! Like soft cotton, felt like I could sleep on it, heehee ;) Snap-snapped with Xian and a new found friend. *I realised how much weight I loss as I ran up the hill, my pants were dropping ! Rachel was laughing. Oops ! Too much information ;p Even the evening clouds looked so magnificently awesome. Simply *don't know how to describe with words* We managed a few shots. Me and MayLee with "our" 350d. Not very clear shots, cos both also digicam pro. Haha ;p But most of all, happy. Its amazing how God placed the clouds. I tell you, with my imaginative mind, it looked like chariots, chasing after something. Just awesome. Wish it could last forever. *** Happy he called today. Glad I had at least someone who stood by me this morning. After having war, its always nice to hear him laugh. Nice to just talk nonsense. Nice to even hear him say goodnite *huggs* Wish you saw the clouds ! *** Random-ness, sememang-memangnya.. Suddenly I found out that Abby is an aristewardess? Wonder how's the brother doing in NZ. Hm... Anyhow, I had a good day. Thank you God,thanks xian&rachel,thanks mayLee,thanks pop and thanksloads dear. Nitey *BIG smile*
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