wHat God GavE mE tOday ? |
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Friday, April 28, 2006 Feels LikeHm.. All of a sudden, I feel like there there's nothing to do. Like too free for nutts. No assignments, no tutorial homeworks, no need to think of what time to wake up for the next class tomorrow (especially for 8am classes), no need to crash my brains trying to think of crazy mad ideas out of the world to impress lecturers during presentations and the list goes on. I think I'm going to miss whining bout 'a day in Uni'. For three years, tho I don't have a car to drive myself to uni, I whined along bout the lack of parking space. Whined along bout the lack of food variety, til I sometimes walk to Section 14 with christina to just have a change of taste when there's simply too much time to waste. The construction ! Imagine having it as you background music during lectures and tutorials. Miss Cheong kicking Ian out of class *snickers*, Aida implementing the 'I will lock the door after 15 minutes', Sharon scolding me for having a stomach ache thinking that I was sleeping in class, queing up for the insuffecient toilets (the line can go as long as cinema ticket lines), the low water pressure of water coolers, running out of class half way thru a falling-asleep-lecture to the mamak, tearing my ligament having to sit at the corridoors with my new cellphone while friends passed by snapping pictures with it while other played with my crutches, CHINESE class which I learnt almost nothing, one particular lecturer who gave everyone English names, running out of class to play ping-pong, playing squash every Wednesday, staying back with mates just to chill at SS2 Pelita (its always the 3 of us), taking Metrobus 12 (only started taking it this year ;p) Hurm... loads more of stuff.. that I will definitely miss doing ! And so I will be the first to start work ! haha ;p Siao right..never have I thought 'soowernjun' will start working so soon.. So I bid you farewell ;)
you said you've accepted the fact but now you're falling back into it you said you had me, what is there to forget now you're acting like I'm a tool All my life, I've served as tool - for anything and anyone Dear, I hope you're not just like anyone else... :(
What if If I didn't call you yesterday, I wouldn't have even heard from you at all. What I got today? A question of what I was doing. After my reply, he disappeared. No news, no sound. Decided to ask answerless questions. Only got, a 'Lazy to answer all' No mood. What do you think I am? I choose not to believe you are just any other guy. You proved to me you were not. Why? Are you contradicting yourself.. Everytime I think of you, I want to cry.. In fact now.. You asked me not to cry over you, but how can I help it.. You ask yourself, how can I help it.. *** I just want to pray, for Trishen's family. Am so troubled, since the day his dad was admitted into the hospital, til today. Til I saw his mom, there was only one message written : worry Father, grant everyone who is touch with the situation a calm heart. Help us pull each other up. Support each other with love and care. And wisdom and faith. I know it is a sin to worry. But... *** I pray for him. I don't know what's going on, tho I long to know... Just, grant him comfort in whatever he does and is going through... I'm tired...very hurt...very very tired & hurt Father... :( AMEN
You in Me - Juwita Suwito Everytime I look into your eyes There's a pleasant surprise Awaiting amazingly Somehow I realise I'm so tired of life They keep telling me Telling me I should look down inside In myslef to find something greater When I know I can look at the bright side and find, the Creator I just need to spend one moment with you Somehow its a brand new world that's passing thru You lift me high and let me see Over the world that surrounded me Don't need to prove myself, just need to show and tell, its You in Me ...
Thursday, April 27, 2006 To UnderstandWhen someone comes along into your life Mysteriously,Unknowingly,Surprisingly Just simply, almost bumped into your life It looked like it was a brand new world out there Knowing that the world is not a great place at all But still you gave it chance Why when you took so long to finally make that step Why when you finally let go of your tensed self Why when you finally gave that someone a chance You drop. You drop so low, almost a bottomless pit. A never ending drop. And that someone. Doesn't even know that you're dropping Too lost in his or her misery Suddenly just lost all hope Suddenly just lost hope even, in you What's worse? Its not even your fault that the someone lost hope in you Angry, you cannot tell Sad, you cannot tell Depressed, you cannot tell Heart broken, you cannot tell Frustrated, you cannot tell Neglected, you cannot tell Jealous, you cannot tell Even when you miss that someone so much, you cannot tell Why do you have to go through all thses when it was not even your choice to know this person? Why do you even have to try going through? You did not ask for that person to enter into your life You did not ask to know that person You did not ask to even have any chance to utter a simple sentence to that person The person just appeared. Overturned your life and seemed like he or she cared the world for you, seemed like you meant the world to them. Seemed like . . . HOW could things just change to a total oppisite from what it was three weeks ago.? HOW could someone just forget bout you just like that? HOW could it be? HOW could it be? If only he knew If only he took time to know If only he knew If only the world was not filled with unpredictabilities. You have a BIG heart - Stephanie always say that to me, even when she calls me from Australia You got to let go gurl - Ezra once said You got to stop caring so much - Keith once said Just, wish people would appreciate me more Just, wish people could give me more chances to be myself Just, wish people could let me be who I want to be Just, wish people would stop making me wear a mask Just, wish people would let me be who I am Just, wish people would accept me as what I am So many more wishes, but non ever comes thru. Maybe with Stephanie and Keith and Ezra my wishes come thru, the only reason why, they are like me. Stephanie is in Australia. Keith will be going there soon. Ezra is in New Zealand. I am so tired. So very tired. Tired to brink I only have energy to let out a sigh. I hate sighing, I hate it. I always tell people not to sigh. Cannot believe that I am doing something that I am asking other's not to. Maybe I should just down that Absolut Vanilla in my room. Maybe I should just hop over to Amy's house and down her Malibu. Smells like coconuts, but I like it so much. Maybe I should just hop over to May's house and down that Absolut Raspberry. Smells like cough mixture, but what the heck. Nah, when I wake up, everything is still the same. Nothing changes til the real problem really is solved. Maybe I should apply to go to Shanghai or Africa for a mission trip. Maybe I should fly over to Istanbul. Maybe I should fly over to some lost city somewhere. How long more do I have to endure this life?
I miss Shanghai
Tuesday, April 25, 2006 Dear,Am so glad you called this morning. Just such a surprise to see your name appear on my phone not a message, but phone call. Its so good to hear you laugh. You should've seen the smile on my face *smiling* My friend's dad's condition is still not improving, which is very scary. I couldn't sleep the whole of last night, thinking, what will happen, what will I hear when I get up from my sleep. The result of it, I woke up at 8am, when I only finally slept at 330am. Just brings back really sad memories. And that makes me scared. I don't know why, at this spur of moment, I wish so much you beside me. At the least comfort me like how you used to. Just.. wish you were here. Dear.. don't take too long.. Missing you lots dear.. *** Father, I want to pray for trishen's dad. We all don't know and may not understand why all these are happening. But we know that You know and only You will have the power to heal. Father, Pray that you will strengthen the whole family and especially trishen's dad. Draw them close to You and continue to remind that they can find compfort in You. Commit the whole family unto Your hands, in Christ's name, AMEN. sincerely, wernjun
Saturday, April 22, 2006 DearDunno where you disappeared to again. You didn't reply my messages you didn't pick up my calls. I'm not paranoid. Just worried. You will understand if you were me. I still miss you so much. So much that I can't meassure anymore. I wish you knew how much I am missing you. You used to disturb me so much. And I wish everyday that you'd disturb like you used to, everyday, again. Today, the interview went fairly well. The job scope sounds quite interesting. Something that I would love doing. It may not be reporting news, but it stuff that I enjoy doing. The only thing is, I may have to get up very early every morning, since they start work at 815am. That's the time you get up I guess, hehe ;) May have to work on Saturday and Sundays. But I'm fine with that. Wish I could call everyday to listen to you laugh. Wish you would talk like how you used to talk like before. Dear, don't let us distant. I really don't want it to happen. I don't want to cry anymore. Especially when I miss you too much. How I wish you'd say 'you miss me too' And send hugs + kisses everynight before I sleep and when I wake up. *** Father, I pray, that You will continue to strengthen me for no one else can except You. I just want to pray, that he will know that You love him too and will never forsake him. Help me too, to pull through this last hurdle of exams that I fear so much. Commit everything unto Your hands, In Christ's name, Amen. Sincerely, wernjun
Friday, April 21, 2006 DearToday was a crazy day. Exams were mad and the interview got postponed. But most of all you made me smile. Though I smiled, I still wished you were the you when you could make me smile so much that tears could roll down my cheeks. I really missed those days. I am still waiting dear. For those days to come. Today ended with a happy tone. When I got to meet once again all the people that I havent for at least a year ! I missed them. And I still missed you too. Every moment of tonight, I was thinking of you. And I saw, Anna, Peklyn, Yvonne, Andy, SuLeen, Richard, Doreen, Li San, Keith, Paul Long, Unc Dexter, Elaine Tan, Ian (Ampang), Mei Fern, Alex, Su-yi, Ivan, Su-ann, Esther, Joyce, Samuel, Chefrost, Beebee, SerYoung, Edwin, wei Chung, Jeff, Colin Kirton, Unc Hilmy, aunt May Lee, Unc Bob, cheryl, nadia, xin xin and so many others, I can't rememeber all. These were the few that I spoke to.. I'm so glad to have spoken to them. How I missed them. In some ways I felt lighten. Its been a long time since I sang praises in the church hall. And tonight was good. Just so refreshing. Had the longest supper with my RBS friends and talked like crazy ! Its almost 3am now dear, I'm typing this for you. Since you fell asleep already. Rest well dear.. Good nite. Missed you dear. *** Thank you Father for friends of such. Thank you for granting them to me. Thank you. Sincerely, wernjun
Thursday, April 20, 2006 my brain is dead
Monday, April 17, 2006 whyWhen I gave so much into something, I only get sadness out of it. When I trusted so much, I only get answers that don't even sound convincing. Dear, Right now, I feel so shitty. Every minute of the day. I cannot bear to think that you're throwing your life away like this. I really missed what you were a few months back. I really wish you'd be that you again. I really wish you would be able to talk me to sleep. I really wish you would be able to talk me to eat. Again. I hate to see you this way. It kills me to see you this way. Tomorrow I have a paper, and I don't know why you have to do this to me today. You were always there to wipe my tears with your hugs and kisses. But I hardly get any now. You don't even seem to sound like you cared even if I am dead. Why dear? Why? I don't understand why I can't worry for you. I don't understand why I can't even care for you. I don't understand why I can't even tell you that I want to go through life's situations with you. I don't understand why I can't know things that you don't want to tell me. I have never given so much to care for someone. Never. Instead of feeling guilty, shouldn't you feel happy and glad, that someone out there cares so much for you? Shouldn't you let go of the past and look to what you have in fron of you now? I really want to stop crying myself to sleep. I really want to. I don't want you to feel guily that I'm crying for you, but to be touched instead, that someone out there really loves you. Both me and God. If only you knew, if only you knew..how much I care for you. How much I love you dear..How much I wish you would be 'here' again. Like you've promised. Father, I don't know what to do with situations like these. I'm so troubled but at the same time I have to study for my exam. Help me Father, to put things aside. Just for the meantime. Strengthen me Father, that I may have strength to go on and last thru to the whole of next week. Father, I want to pray too that you will be with him. Comfort him and help gain his life back again. I know you are merciful God and will not forsake him. In Christ's name, AMEN. Sincerely, wernjun
Friday, April 14, 2006 My PrayerFather, I know I shouldn't be asking why, but I really don't what else to ask besides asking why . . . Why am I always stuck in these kind of situations? Why do I always end up being hurt? Why does everyone always choose to leave when I've done nothing wrong? Why is it so hard to even find someone who really cares and who would stay long enough? I gave so much. I cared so much. I defended so much. I worried so much. I loved so much. All for nothing? I don't believe. I choose not to believe that there sre some in this world who'd act as curel. When I ask, he says nothing. When I worry he says don't worry. He's always saying that he's not worth my worry, not worth my care not worth me thinking of him so much. Why would someone think so? I've never loved someone so much that I am willing to sacrifice so much. Time and everythig else taken into account. Not to forget the many arguements I had with friends. Close friends that is. Sometimes, I even feel so dried and drained trying to comfort him. I sometimes wonder if he had ever appreciated even a bit of it. How many times I cried myself to sleep because of him? How many times cried because I worry so much bout him? Countless. I dare say I love him. Its not like the monkey kinda "I like you, you like me?" Shit. Its such a fcuk-ed up feeling. I don't even know how to explain it to myself why I'm feeling like such. All I asked is for him is to give me a chance to care and to love. Sometimes I have to even beg to worry. In return, I only want him to care as much. He cares, I know, but he hurts at the same time. Very much. How long does he want to remain in this dreamy state of mind? That we both like each other so much but don't want to commit anything into it since he can't trust me and since he doesn't want to hurt himself again. I feel insulted for the fact that he compares me to the past. I gave so much to listen and to trust him, and at the end of the day he only sees me as someone whom he still can't trust. I don't care bout all these. I understand what he's been through only because I've been through the same. I respected him and his decisions, and am patiently waiting for him to recover. I even am willing to hurt my own feelings to make him happy. I don't care if I feel sad, or depressed, even if I had to die, I'd rather, just for him to be fine and well, most importantly be happy and at peace. Why must he make things so difficult for the both of us... Sometimes I wonder if he really loves me deep enough to trust me. Which hurts everytime I think of it. He said he'd love me for the rest of my life. He gave me a big part of him as my present on my birthday not long ago. He said he promised me that he'll care me for as long as it takes. He said I am the best thing that had happen to him in a long time. And I believed. I believed. I really did. How could he always end conversations and leave me hanging over an unsettled issue? I can never understand it. How could a guy that I only knew for slightly more than a year make me as happy at the same time hurt me as much? I can never understand. Father, Only You know, how much I love him and how much I care for him . Only You know, how much I've suffered to just care for him. Only You know, how much I've cried for him. Only You know, how much I'm hurt. I just want to pray, that he'll be who he is again. The him I knew when I first spoken to. Sort things out for him. And tell him that I truly love him, alot. I really am tired Father, of living this life ... I don't know how long more I can stand it. I don't know how much more I can take. I almost didn't pull through with my final year project, but I did. I'm almost graduating, and I don't know if I can survive to study to ace everything, or at least to get a reasonable result. I don't know how much more energy I have to pull through this life. I am really tired. I just want to commit everything into Your hands Father, in Christ's name, AMEN. *** If you ever stumble into this, I'm sorry I have to post this here. I really don't know where to turn to cos most of the time, I always turn to you. This is where I always talk to God. God is the greatest and He helped me pull through this far. When you know the real me, and know how much I care, I hope you will learn to appreaciate your life more. I really do love you alot. And if only you knew, and would give us a chance. This entry is dedicated to you and it represents how much I care and love you. I love you dear, with everything that I am. I really do love you. Sincerely, wernjun
Thursday, April 13, 2006 How Do I Live Without YouMy phone is barred once again . . . And there is no way for me to gain access to anyone except for the house phone . . . I can only stare at the phone, waiting for people to call and feel very frustrated if I get either a miss call of even a message. Because I can't return calls or reply sms-es. *sighs* Good thing I can't go out, since its study week. And I don't have to go for classes. Hopfully I don't have to make any important calls. So don't ask me any questions on my cellphone yah you all? *sighs* wernjun needs to study . . . but has no semangat . . . *** but I'm lifted, since my dearest called . . . but I still miss you . . . but right now, I'm left back to square one . . . phone-less . . . only can use it to snap pictures of staci's dogs and cats and also mayLee's rabbits *** I think I will go sleep for a while . . . Study at night, hehe, maybe that'll work . . . *ARGH*
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 Missedwernjun can finally blog again ! woohoo ! How I've miissedd even waking up late and sleeping early ! The past few days were mad days. Its been such a long time since I've did such intense last minute assignments ! And it has to me Finala Year Project ! Haha ! Well am so happy that it's finally over ! Imagine not sleeping for almost three days ! Yah it may saound like nothing some of you, but it is something for me, considering the fact I was down with fever and flu and cough ! The feeling : so dead..lifeless almost.. All's well, now I have to start studying for my finals ! Yup, my final finals !! *** Just one more thing.. I still miss him alot.. I just don't like having this kind of feeling.. When someone becomes so close and in within months, that person is gone.. And its just not anyone that I've met on the sidewalk.. *sighs* Please be better soon..I pray..Father, You will help him be better soon.. Amen
Thursday, April 06, 2006 Gosh..I feel so sleepy.. So sick.. :( Sleep is me finally... and I still miss you loads...
... I'm feeling like I just came back from the hospital yesterday a year ago after I recovered from dengue. Yeah, that's how sick I feel right now... So no semangat to do anything... No semangat to think bout anything.. Just really really felling so so so so so exhausted... Fever, please leave me... :(
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