what God gave me today?

wHat God GavE mE tOday ?

Friday, April 14, 2006

My Prayer

Father,

I know I shouldn't be asking why, but I really don't what else to ask besides asking why . . .

Why am I always stuck in these kind of situations?
Why do I always end up being hurt?
Why does everyone always choose to leave when I've done nothing wrong?
Why is it so hard to even find someone who really cares and who would stay long enough?

I gave so much.
I cared so much.
I defended so much.
I worried so much.
I loved so much.

All for nothing? I don't believe.
I choose not to believe that there sre some in this world who'd act as curel.

When I ask, he says nothing.
When I worry he says don't worry.
He's always saying that he's not worth my worry, not worth my care not worth me thinking of him so much.
Why would someone think so?

I've never loved someone so much that I am willing to sacrifice so much.
Time and everythig else taken into account.
Not to forget the many arguements I had with friends. Close friends that is.

Sometimes, I even feel so dried and drained trying to comfort him. I sometimes wonder if he had ever appreciated even a bit of it.

How many times I cried myself to sleep because of him? How many times cried because I worry so much bout him? Countless.

I dare say I love him. Its not like the monkey kinda "I like you, you like me?"
Shit.

Its such a fcuk-ed up feeling. I don't even know how to explain it to myself why I'm feeling like such.

All I asked is for him is to give me a chance to care and to love. Sometimes I have to even beg to worry. In return, I only want him to care as much. He cares, I know, but he hurts at the same time. Very much.

How long does he want to remain in this dreamy state of mind? That we both like each other so much but don't want to commit anything into it since he can't trust me and since he doesn't want to hurt himself again.

I feel insulted for the fact that he compares me to the past. I gave so much to listen and to trust him, and at the end of the day he only sees me as someone whom he still can't trust.

I don't care bout all these. I understand what he's been through only because I've been through the same. I respected him and his decisions, and am patiently waiting for him to recover.

I even am willing to hurt my own feelings to make him happy. I don't care if I feel sad, or depressed, even if I had to die, I'd rather, just for him to be fine and well, most importantly be happy and at peace.

Why must he make things so difficult for the both of us...
Sometimes I wonder if he really loves me deep enough to trust me.
Which hurts everytime I think of it.

He said he'd love me for the rest of my life. He gave me a big part of him as my present on my birthday not long ago. He said he promised me that he'll care me for as long as it takes. He said I am the best thing that had happen to him in a long time.

And I believed.
I believed.
I really did.

How could he always end conversations and leave me hanging over an unsettled issue? I can never understand it.

How could a guy that I only knew for slightly more than a year make me as happy at the same time hurt me as much? I can never understand.

Father,

Only You know, how much I love him and how much I care for him .
Only You know, how much I've suffered to just care for him.
Only You know, how much I've cried for him.
Only You know, how much I'm hurt.

I just want to pray, that he'll be who he is again. The him I knew when I first spoken to.
Sort things out for him. And tell him that I truly love him, alot.

I really am tired Father, of living this life ... I don't know how long more I can stand it. I don't know how much more I can take.

I almost didn't pull through with my final year project, but I did.
I'm almost graduating, and I don't know if I can survive to study to ace everything, or at least to get a reasonable result.
I don't know how much more energy I have to pull through this life.

I am really tired.
I just want to commit everything into Your hands Father, in Christ's name, AMEN.

***

If you ever stumble into this, I'm sorry I have to post this here. I really don't know where to turn to cos most of the time, I always turn to you.

This is where I always talk to God.
God is the greatest and He helped me pull through this far.

When you know the real me, and know how much I care, I hope you will learn to appreaciate your life more.

I really do love you alot. And if only you knew, and would give us a chance.

This entry is dedicated to you and it represents how much I care and love you.

I love you dear, with everything that I am.
I really do love you.

Sincerely,
wernjun

siaosiao @ 12:34 AM

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