what God gave me today?

wHat God GavE mE tOday ?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Thears of the Sun

The show, dated in year 2003.
Wonder what I was doing back then didn't realise the show.

Today just sitting down in suyi's house, with the fan spinning and her dog and cat accompanying me. Yea, she was sleeping.

So I watched alone.

Somehow, I relate well with these kind of shows.
Make me want to be like the doctor of the soldiers who were sent to help those people in Africa.

Maybe I should've gone for that mission trip that I was offered to go to few years back to Nepal. But that's that...

Somehow, I never miss to watch all these kind of shows. Regardless of how poor the quality of the show may be.

Weird how I can feel for the show.
Some may say, its just a show, but I guess, in many parts of the world, they are such of these happenings, poverty and fear, constantly running for survival.

While we? Complain bout how tasteless food can be. Too hot. Too cold. Too salty.

Guess what I suddenly want to be? War photographer.
My inspiration, Bazuki Muhammad.

Just randomly thinking...

***

Going through this life, to me, is the most difficult task I've ever been given.
I was almost happy til he appeared, I became more happy compared to before.

Gave up trusting for so long. He convinced me to trust him. He convinced me to learn to depend on him. He convinced me that he'll never leave me. He convinced me he'll love me with all his heart. He convinced me that he'd always be there for me.

Now, it's as though I've lost him to something. Something which I don't even know what it is. No matter how hard I try to figure, I never seem to get an answer.
He refuses to tell. Til I get answers like, 'I'm lazy to talk la'

He used to say he can't go thru one night without talking to me.
Where has that him gone to.

Never fouhgt never had any misunderstandings bad enough to lead to what it is today.
All I ever did was to be the nicest to him. Always by his side. Always listening to him. Always understanding why he gets angry at times and why he doesn't reply my messages. Never even dared to raised my voice. Never even thought of scolding or yelling at him. To even get angry at him, I had to think 10 times.

What justice am I doing myself? I don't know.
Why am I getting such returns by just staying the way I am?
Being so nice to him.

It really breaks my heart. At the same time I cherish him so much.
How I wish he knew... How i wish...

My whole life, by being nice to people, in return I get hurt 10 times as much.
Why do I have to go through all these...all I want him to do is to be the him he used to be. Not asking him to spend everday with me. Not asking the world.

Just want him to share my ups and downs. Share my happy thoughts...share my tears...share my dinner share my lunch...

I'm running out of energy... running out of emotions...

Dear, really miss you so much. Missing every second of the day, when you used to text me ouh so often...

Sometimes I wonder, if there is anymore of me in his life...Cos he'd just filled my life with so much of him..
What did I ever do to him or life for the matter, I deserve to be treated this way...

:(

No one will know what i'm rambling about except him.
How I wish he knew...How I wish...

siaosiao @ 10:00 PM

Comments:

hi wern jun..
dunno if u rmb me not! but i jst read ur entry.. and i feel for u. i know what its like to love someone so much and yet feel like ure dying at the same time.. because he doesnt seem to love u back the way he used to. i know it is difficult, but do think abt whether its worth it or not ok? cos i see ure so miserable, and i went thru a real tough time myself, i believe it was the most depressing period of my life!! :( cried every other day, question God, etc..(i only realise this AFTER i broke up with the fella - somehow couldnt see it when i was with him) but aft the depressing period, i got used to it.. the lack of attn.. i thot it was just a matter of getting used to things. and then we broke up (for reasons not related to this) mutually... it was pretty ironic (i already got used to it!!) but then, i guess God knew best? i really wouldve died i think, if not for God. at least, i felt that way. but then, it was also a period when i saw God carry me thru - because i couldnt have survived without relying on Him.
i cant tell u what to do, obviously!! but i can say i feel for u.. hang in there ya. pray abt it, and do think abt it, as much as it seems so unfaithful to do.. or better still, talk to him abt it!!
take care.. God bless ya..
sorry abt the super long comment! i couldnt find ur email link, i wouldve emailed la :P

# posted by

Anonymous : 12:42 AM

hey kat ! of course I remember you !

# posted by

siaosiao : 3:05 PM