what God gave me today?

wHat God GavE mE tOday ?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

My wish

Threedays foodless.
And I have a 1,500 article to complete which I have no inspiration to write at all. Can feel my editor blowing fire down my neck man.

Now, my bed's my favourite hangout. Since my eyes cannot close til4am everyday, so I open them again at 2pm. Force myself out of bed to get Actal / Magneseum to cure gastric and try to write the 1,500 article. Productless, my dateline was the 15th, wrote to editor saying I'm not well so she extended the dateline.. Which I felt a sudden chill last night.. texted him before I slept..tried to sleep at 11pm, but unsuccessful..

Out of 1,500 I've only managed 347. My brains, in a bad condition..
Everytime I close my eyes to sleep I see him.. I can still hear him call me sayang, dear and he gave me a name yaya, cos he always doesn't believe what I tell him and he always goes Ya, ya, which one day I said, I think I should change my name to ya,ya, and he really wanted to call me that, eversince then, it was yaya for him..but not for long..

When I fall sick last time, he used to be very anxious, sending me text messages to see if I'm ok.. today, I had to beg him to just say something.. from his harsh message, he left off without concluding it.. it really scared me alot..cos I've never had to hear him yell at me like that..he knew I was very afraid of people using foul languages and he always refrained using them... imagine yesterday..

Finally today, he said, Hi...sorry, am very very busy these days..Ur ok?' In answering my message last nite telling I wasn't feeling well..I had to send almost 7 messages to just get that out of him..

You see, how far he's brought me, and how deeply hurt I am.. He dragged me into this and just decided to leave me there..
He once said, if one day I felt like no one cares anymore, try him.. Today? Where is he?

My gastric is getting worse.. you just imagine, wernjun, who loves eating all sorts, suddenly gave up eating and when she looks at food, she only feels like she wants to push the food away...
If my parents weren't around, I think I would've lost 5kgs in a week... dad actually cooked maggi for me yesterday night.. He doesn't knoew what's going on, but I guess he can sense I'm not very happy.. and getting a bit worried why his daughter not eating lunch and breakfast.. when he knows that his daughter loves eating..

I would get goodnites from him every nite and goodmornings every morning.. and I really miss it a whole lot..
Sometimes, I feel like hiding my phone or throwing it away.. cos its just so disappointing to pick up the phone and see no message there.. It used to be his name, with the cute owl face appearing on the SonyEricsson.. or if he calls my Motorola the heart-shaped-pillow will appear..

I look like some sad pathetic gurl, staring in space.. dazed in a bad way, trying to figure out why are all these happening...when I didn't do anything, at all ;'(

Today, I randomly texted my clown friend whom I knew since I was in Primarytwo and he spontaneously asked me out for dinner.. when he said softly to his girlfriend through the phone that he misses her.. all the memories just came back, when he used to text me he misses me every interval of few hours in a day..

I usually talk alot whenever I'm with my clown friend, Jeff, til he sometimes overcomes me with his nonsense so I would not talk so much. Tonight, I could sense that he was trying so had to just make me smile. Using his cardtricks, which were totally not tricks, just lame gestures to make me give some reaction.. Til he literally smack my cheeks with one of the cards, playfully but like desparate measures to make me laugh.. saying, 'That's for not giving me reaction' That's how stoned I was...

Jeff was nice to bring me out for dinner.. then fetched another guy along the way,Kingsley (this guy also looks like you Eric, cept he has such long hair, til he looks like a very well-groomed mutt, don't killme King, told jeff you look like a 'sung-mou-puppy') to another uncle's house to learn a few tricks of photography , he almost brought me to DOTA, which I refused as he was going to play with bunch of his clown colleagues.. trust me they will have a fun time pulling my leg, they always do,since I'm already blur by nature.. 7 guys and a gurl? No thank you.. not another round of Planet Shakers at Nilai, when I openned the door, whoah, total strangers except the driver..

So he managed to stuff nasilemak into me today.. I was glad that I ate.. but it didn't feel very comfortable after that cos the gasterjuice started to react.. like too late to save the hunger..
Its not that I don't want to eat, but my mind is just refusing to tell the stomach to feel hungry...

I think I sorta depended on him too much.. which I tried not to.. but he convinced me that I could.. and now that I'm like some backboneless person he lets me to fall...
I feel so useless...feel so tak guna for being so dependant..

And I think my friends also listen to me until they sien already... dunno but I still feel that you could take somemore and can always make me laugh a bit with silly jokes..
Another friend of my mind cracked a silly joke, cos I asked him to run me down if he had a car..knowing he rides bikes.. he said, Sorry no car, but if my scooter bang you my scooter rosak..
Ish.. what random jokes... I teared.. cos I missedhis jokes too...so much...

And I'm crying while I'm typing all these.. I guess you can sorta tell how hurt I am...
Some people will just say, get over it la.. he's not worth it..some will just say please, for what you cry over a guy like that..
But I tell you, he gained my trust and made me love him so deeply til I don't know how to even express my anger upon him...
I don't know how to hate him and instead I hurt myself... I toldhim before.. I'd rather be hurt myself if it meant that he wouldbe happier...
That's who I am, that's how much I care for people...that's how much passion I have for them...

Most of my friends will say, 'please la, don't act so damn bloody good la, I know you're not..' these are the people that I have to face everyday... I wish I wasn't so nice.. so I won't be hurt so often... But I never know how to...

I don't know how to describe the sadness that I'm facing now.. but I hope you will understand and stand as a friend that wouldn't pass negative remarks or start pouring cold water over me...

Sometimes I feel like begging people to be a bit nicer to me... but who would ever hear my silent cries...
I wish he knew how important he is to me and how much I cherish him ... I really wish that with all that I am... I wish he knew how much I care I wish he knew how much sorrows there is in my now... I wish he was the him a few months back..

All, I could only wish...

*Ane-mailtoeric

siaosiao @ 11:04 PM

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