what God gave me today?

wHat God GavE mE tOday ?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

What Did I Do?

Constantly asking myself this question everyday.
Obviously not getting an answer out of my questions.

I sometimes wonder how one can be so cruel.
Its when they need you they're so nice to you.
When they realise they don't need you anymore, and since the booze can help them better in whatever sense that makes, they ditch you like you've never existed.

I sometimes wonder why I give in to all these.
I care too much?
Or maybe I trusted too much?
Not that I trusted easily. Given a position that you're asked and convinced to trust, you would trust.
What's friendship even, if you can't trust your own friend? What more a person you care for so much...

I was frustrated myself, after spending so much time listening to him, he still didn't trust me. Like you get a bounce back. All your effort gets thrown back at you.
Which I slowly understood why. I was once there.

Now, I'm given silent treatment. Haven't heard from him for days.
Sometimes I wonder, how one can transform into such a different being and treating me in such mean manner, like I deserved to treated so.

I can never understand.

Working, a decision I made to get myself off stuff. To try not to think so much.
Sometimes I wonder if I came to the wrong place to seek for peace from all these.

Imagine being reminded of him constantly everyday.
In a week I'd pass by his office more often than when I wasn't working yet.
Its like going to work there again. Passing by the same cafe, the same factories, passing by the same highway even.

Keep reprinting that particular article with his face on it wrongly. Either I cut the paper by the wrong size or I fit the pages wrongly. Don't ask me why I'm having this fit.

Here I am trying to avoid thinking of him so often, the more I'm exposed to stuff related to him. All I have to look at is the article with his face on it and also the few pictures I have of him.

When I'm not happy I just go look at pass messages that he sent me...
Yeah, that's why miserable my life is.

Last night's gathering made me feel even worse...
In result to that, I didn't eat...
Food was good. But I could hardly taste the 'Ais Kacang'.

The only joy I found was playing with the cute dog that was put in the kitchen cos there were Malays as guests...

So many guys, so many. Felt like I was talking to him I spoke to them...
Sadly, they will never be him.

Today someone accidentally regarded me as 'dear'. Fugure of speech...
Almost immedieately my mind travelled back to where it was a few months ago...
I miss that time he asked me to call him cos he said he wanted to hear my voice.
So sweet of him.

Someone explain to me how he can become what he is today overnight?
Cos I know no matter how much I ask, he'd never give me an answer...

People like to make fun of me that I worked at theSun.
They say, I'm the only one that can spell in the whole office. Not true lar...
Experienced? I'm not even 10% of a successful rookie.
I want to go back there so much. At the same time...

I'm so tired...
I wish he knew...

Dear,
I'm so tired...

***

Father,
I pray. Grant me strength. Grant me energy.
Grant me peace. Stop me from crying...

AMEN.

siaosiao @ 7:46 PM

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