what God gave me today?

wHat God GavE mE tOday ?

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Archoo

Adrenaline gives way..
She sneezes and coughs and irritatingly has a sore throat. So the hazy weather hits Malaysia again. Yucks. And my sensitive nose gives in.

Yoh. Its so stuffed. *sniff-sniff*

***

Running to Somewhere?

Brains still racing everywhere..

weijin: help me korek it out la, with your unqualified medical license also I don't mind.

And I feel so abandoned. I really wonder what he's doing now.
Having fun? Stonning? Drinking? Smoking? Sleeping?

Tomorrow, it will be a week since he texted me.
And I used to get 20 messages a day.

Drink more water to pour it out before I sleep.
I can't even focus myself to get ready to go to church.
Not that I can't wake up, I just can't focus.
I don't want to go to church with my mind so full of you, sad thoughts of you.

Shit.

I never saw myself become what I am today.
Why did you appear on my phone on that peculiar day?
Why did you go to Malacca on the same day?
Why did you accidentally poured your mind out?
Why did you say all those?
Why did you talk to me til the wee hours of the day?
Why did you ask me not to leave you?
Why did you say you'd take care of me?
Why did you accompany me home?
Why did you send me home?
Why did you pay everything for me?
Why did you even give me a peck on the forehead?

I'm not blaming you, but I seriously am wondering...

If it makes you happy, I'm walking aimlessly everyday. I'm walking like someone who lost all happiness in life. Walking like there is no life in me, walking like I'm the only person on the streets. Simply, dragging my feet. Forcing food into my stomach.

I don't even want to wake up in the mornings. Knowing that there won't be a message on the phone from you. Knowing that my brains will be FORCED to think.

Sometimes I feel like I want to be a computer. Click a button, and it will shutdown.
I really feel like shutting down. Get some weird-out-of-the-world virus and land myself in the hospital. Maybe that way, I can sleep, for as long as I want.

I used to look forward to everything in a day, cos I know, you're always there to support whatever I do. Now, I only look forward to sleep in a day. Cos that's when I can stop thinking. Stop wondering if you're still alive. Stop wondering if you're getting my messages at all? Stop wodnering if you still care?

I ask myself 10 thousand times a day, why? why you? Of all the people in the world, why you? I still can't answer why.
Too bad I have a clear memory of what you used to say to me. Too bad I'm comparing.

I'm so afraid to even let you know where I applied to work. Afraid that it may remind you unnecessarily of nonsense. I'm scared ok. Scared & terrified.

Someone asked me to drop by the canteen for tea. Nutts? And if I bump into you, what would you say? I want to see them badly. I miss them as much as I miss you. Of course I miss you more. Sorry, I have no guts to even say hi to the guard downstairs.

Why? You're the answer to why.

I wish I could disappear. Maybe it'll make things easier for you. Make things easier for Carol. For Christina. For Eric. For WeyMin. Guess you won't have to hear from me again. Cool aye?

Or Ben , or Eric, could kidnap me to Australia. LEast I could "disappear". Brilliant me.

Or should Ezra kidnap me to NZ.

This life, really sucks. I'm not being ungrateful. But I am tired. Mentally and emotionally. I just want to sleep. Forever.

siaosiao @ 2:05 AM

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